


Bread and Butter

by inheritanceofgeek



Category: The Hobbit (Jackson Movies), The Hobbit - All Media Types
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Bard Being an Asshole, F/M, Family Drama, Family Dynamics, Father-Daughter Relationship, M/M, Pregnancy Scares, Thranduil Not Being An Asshole, Unplanned Pregnancy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-18
Updated: 2016-05-18
Packaged: 2018-06-09 05:33:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,650
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6892138
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/inheritanceofgeek/pseuds/inheritanceofgeek
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In which Bard finds a Pregnancy Test in Sigrid's cupboard and everyone is surprised at just how Diplomatic Thranduil can be!</p>
            </blockquote>





	Bread and Butter

**Author's Note:**

> *Bilbo voice* Today is my Birthday! 
> 
> And as is the style of Hobbits I thought I'd give you all a present in the form of this cleaned up Tumblr Drabble that I don't think counts as a drabble anymore. 
> 
> So Happy 22nd Birthday to you all! I'm off to fall in love with strangers and have breakfast at midnight etc. etc.
> 
> For those wondering, in this Sigrid is 22, Bain 16 and Tilda 12

Family Meetings were the bread and butter of the Bowman Household. Kendra had come from a large boisterous irish family and so the only way to ever get anything done was to sit in one place and talk it out over a cup of tea or something stronger. Thus whenever a problem occurred within her own household she would tackle it head on and call a meeting. Everyone in the immediate family were obligated to attend and to have their say, baby bump and all (”The baby just kicked me so that means they know you’re talking nonsense. Now come on Sigrid, show us your homework diary”) 

After Kendra’s death Bard had kept them going. The four of them needed to stick closer together than ever before, and for that to happen they needed to be open to conversation. The problem with death is that it leaves you with far more than just an empty space in your heart, you have a whole host of other problems that you just don’t see coming. Who was going to do the shopping this week now that Bard was having to work saturdays to pay rent? Who was going to baby sit Tilda? Who’s turn was it to do the washing up? Should Sigrid take up more hours at work if it meant more pay but less time for college work? They talked and they talked and they eventually got through everything. 

Sometimes problems were solved easily. Cleaning rotas could be devised and spread evenly based on age and occupation (Tilda could load the dishwasher, Bain the laundry, Sigrid sort through Bins and Recycling whilst Bard picked up whatever else needed doing– including mild supervision); Babysitting could be negotiated based on importance of upcoming events and whether Bain was old enough to be left alone or not (Bain being under the impression that 16 meant Ultimate Maturity, Bard still not forgetting The Polo Mint Incident of 2015) 

Sometimes problems were less easily solved. It took them five painful hours to find out why Bain was getting into fights at school. It took a lot of shouting and a lot of crying for them sort it all out, but they became a better family for it.

Of course when Bard met Thranduil it did not take long for him to become a common fixture in their lives. The day Sigrid invited him to a Family Meeting to discuss his involvement in Family Meetings was the day everything finally clicked together for them. They were in this for the long run, and couldn’t be happier about it.

And as far as Tilda was concerned, she now had two Dads which was twice as cool as One Dad.

Thranduil slowly got to grips with what was and wasn’t a serious issue, and indeed found his diplomacy skills increasing because of it! Any member of the Bowman Family could call a meeting about anything and all had to attend. Sometimes the only way to get through them was a bottle of wine or a stiff pint of Ribena. He distinctly remembered the meeting where they had had to give Bain a proper lesson on Sex Education because there were horrifying gaps in what they were teaching at school. It had involved condoms and cucumbers and a lot of rather detailed hand-drawn diagrams. Sigrid was infinitely grateful for the wine, if only because it helped numb the headache she was getting from Tilda’s complaints from the living room at not being allowed to be involved. They’d all agreed the “What to Expect from Puberty” talk with Tilda three years ago had been enough to deal with for the time being, but that didn’t mean that Tilda agreed with them on it. 

Sigrid and Thranduil got on incredibly well. Indeed, Thranduil was honoured to be able to call her his surrogate daughter and friend. So when Bard called a meeting to discuss a certain problem regarding her social life, Thranduil knew he would need a good bottle of wine to go with it. 

He’d arrived fashionably late, hoping to have avoided the awkward painful start of the conversation but it seemed to only make things worse. Sigrid was sat at one end of the table and Bard at the other, glaring at one another like a pair of cats sizing up for a fight. Bain and Tilda were sat on the sides, both of them with the looks of apprehension as they waited for everything to kick off. There was also a new face at the table, sitting awkwardly next to Sigrid and looking as though he wasn’t sure if he should put a stop to it all, or just let the pair of them fight it out in whatever spectacular fashion they had planned. 

Thranduil pursed his lips. He had to be the elusive boyfriend Sigrid had been keeping secret for the better part of a year. She’d recently announced that she was dating him and whilst Bard had met the lad, Thranduil had been out of town and had not yet had the pleasure. He was not exactly happy to see that this new boyfriend was, in actual fact, the nephew of his old school rival. Things between him and Oakenshit had died down over the years, but some feelings never changed. Still, he’d heard that Fíli took more after his mother than his uncle, and Thranduil had (recently) learnt not to judge books by their covers. Though he could not see what Sigrid saw attractive about this boy’s Hipster Lumberjack Aesthetic. 

“Thranduil. Nice of you to join us at last.” said Bard, not looking away from Sigrid. 

“Don’t give me that, I sent a text ahead telling you to start without me.” 

“They did start.” replied Tilda, looking up at him “But it didn’t go very far beyond introducing names. Can I have some of that wine?”

“Not a chance, I’m a responsible guardian and you’re underage. I did bring skittles though because I am also an awesome guardian.” he smiled dropping the multipack in front of Tilda who made a triumphant sound of approval, and slid another packet to Bain, who had a slight look of disappointment about him, clearly hoping that at sixteen he now counted as Of Age. However just because it was legal for Bain to have a glass of the stuff in the pub, it didn’t mean Thranduil was willing to let the Light Weight have any now. He’d made that mistake at the boy’s 16th birthday, and Thranduil was certainly not in the mood to be cleaning up anymore vomit. However, judging by the murderous looks passing between father and daughter, mopping up vomit might just be more preferable. 

“So what exactly is all of this about?” Thranduil frowned, sweeping to the cabinet and placing down wine glasses and filling them up to the brim.

No response came from either party. 

Thranduil heaved a sigh and took a seat next to Bard opposite Fíli. He threw the lad as sympathetic look as he could, indicating that he should drink up if he valued his sanity. Curiously though, it seemed that Sigrid had no interest in her drink, which was odd considering he’d made sure to buy her favourite variety. 

“Right,” continued Thranduil staring between the opposing sides “so, no answers here I see, I thought I was meant to be the alouf, dramatic and surly one?”

“Thranduil that is not helping this situation.” snapped Bard 

“And what situation might that be? So far nobody has been that forthcoming with information. Other than it clearly has something to do with Sigrid and her new beau, Fíli, isn’t it?” he said, addressing him at last “Thorin’s nephew if I’m not mistaken?”

“Um, yes Sir.” said the lad nervously “Uncle talks about you all the time. It’s nice to finally meet you, even if it’s not in, um, ideal circumstances?”

“Oh nothing about these circumstances is ideal.” grunted Bard “You’re lucky Tilda’s here or I’d be  _ really _ giving you a piece of my mind.”

“Would it help if I left or…” said Tilda, looking between them “I mean, I don’t want you guys to fight, I don’t like it when you fight and you don’t normally fight but if it helps then–”

“No. You’re not going anywhere Tilda.” said Sigrid firmly, not looking away from her father “anything Da has to say, he can say in front of you.” 

“And vise verse.” Bard responded, crossing his arms and mirroring Sigrid’s own pose. 

“Well this is getting us absolutely nowhere” sighed Thranduil, taking a sip of his wine, “Bain, why don’t you tell us why we’re all gathered here today?”

The teenager gave a stifled laugh at Thranduil’s surprisingly accurate choice of words. 

“Sigrid may or may not be Up The Duff.” he said, a slight smirk on his face “She won’t say and Da says that she has to tell him because he’s her Da”

“Exactly!” shouted Bard, pointing at Bain “See, he gets it! If a sixteen year old can–”

“BUT!” said Bain, trying to drown out his Da “Sigrid says she doesn’t have to tell him anything because it’s all her choice anyway.”

“And what was he doing poking through my stuff anyway!” Said Sigrid, leaning forward “That cupboard is mine and we agreed that it was to be left alone!”

“Yes, for tampons and condoms! Not Pregnancy Tests!”

“But what were you doing going through there anyway then?”

“Because I actually know how to practice safe sex!” 

“I don’t want to be hearing this.” said Bain with a slightly disgusted look on his face. Tilda nodded as well. She’d been subject to The Talk recently at school and honestly did not want to think about it in relation to any of her family members. 

“So you just decided to go through my personal supplies?” said Sigrid, ignoring her siblings “Couldn’t get your own then? Or Thranduil to sort it all out. For fucks sake Da! What are you sixteen? Just learn to keep it in your pants or buy your own.”

“Do not talk to me like that young lady!” said Bard, “And don’t swear in front of your sister.”

“I don’t mind.” shrugged Tilda “Alice at school says much worse. She called Mrs Barnard a cunt the other day.”

“TILDA!” shouted Bard and Sigrid in unison 

“Ah, at last, some common ground. Thank You Tilda.” smiled Thranduil, as she took a triumphant handful of skittles. “So, we can agree that the ‘C-Bomb’, as I think the media likes to call it, is inappropriate; but being open about safe sex with your family is perfectly acceptable and morally sound. This is good, we’re sharing.” 

“Thranduil if you’re not going to take this seriously then I swear–” growled his boyfriend but Thranduil simply rubbed a hand up and down his arm in a placating motion

“I assure you, Bard, I am taking this incredibly seriously. I just worry that you are taking it  _ too _ seriously. Sigrid is 22 she–“

“Exactly! She’s far too young to be getting herself pregnant.”

“Oh come off it Da! You were seventeen when Ma got pregnant with me. At least I’ve actually finished my education!”

“You think I want the same life for you as we had? Waste your youth? I wanted better for you Sigrid!”

“Oh! So I ruined your life now, is that what you’re saying? Gee thanks Da. Glad we got that one sorted out.”

“I didn’t mean it like that and you know it.” 

“Your father does have a point, Sigrid. He knows first hand what it is like to raise a baby when young, he’s simply worried about you as all good fathers should be.” Thranduil flipped his gaze to Fíli, who’d stayed wisely silent throughout. Fíli caught his eye and gave a solid nod, a look of determination about him that told Thranduil that whatever the outcome he would be by Sigrid’s side throughout. In many ways, the fact that he’d come here tonight said it all really. 

Bard gave a triumphant smirk “Thank You Thranduil, good to have you on my side.”

“However,” Thranduil continued “I would also say that Sigrid is also a lot older than you were and probably a lot wiser. Sigrid, I assume you have been observing safe sex as well?”

“Of course.” she rolled her eyes “But, accidents happen. Condoms break.” she mumbled “I may have forgotten to take the pill a couple of times… and emergency contraception isn’t, I mean, if you’ve already ovulated and all of that…”

“See! Responsible daughter. Aware of all possible scenarios and variations.” smiled Thranduil “You should be proud of her.”

“And anyway,” continued Sigrid, ignoring Thranduil “We’re not here to talk about that, we’re here to talk about Da making me tell him about my private life and why he thought it appropriate to go snooping through my stuff!”

“It wasn’t snooping! I was just looking for a condom I said–”

“Oh can we not go over that part again.” grimaced Bain, “I want to forget everything about that section. Can we just stick to pregnancy tests and moral rights okay? Let’s, let’s leave the why and talk about the what now?”

“Very wise of you Bain.” beamed Thranduil

“I mean, Sigrid has a right to keep all this stuff to herself…” began Tilda “she shouldn’t have to tell you anything Da…”

“Thank You Tilda.” smiled Sigrid, “glad to see I’ve got you on my side at least.”

“But” continued Tilda, fiddling with a skittle between her fingers “wouldn’t it solve a lot of problems if you just told us what the test result was? We know you’ve taken a test, that’s out there now so… so shouldn’t you just tell us what the result was?”

“They’re not one hundred percent reliable…” said Sigrid carefully “I just, wanted to see for myself… before the results came in from the lab at work…”

“And when’s that going to happen?”

“Day after tomorrow? But Sharon said she’d hurry it up for me if you could.” 

“So why don’t we reconvene after the results are back and continue this conversation then?” suggest Thranduil, reaching for his glass again and taking a triumphant swig 

“No.” said Sigrid firmly. “The result doesn’t matter in this scenario. Yes, or no. It’s our choice.” she said, gripping Fíli’s hand firmly “ _ We  _ decide, not you Da. Not you Thranduil, not  _ any _ of you. It’s down to Fíli and me. Isn’t that right?” she said, addressing her partner

“I think it’s your decision Sigrid, you’re the one who has to, I mean I’m with you no matter what but really I have no say in this whole--”

“Fí I love you darling and you are wonderful, but please stop talking.”

“No! Continue talking! I want to hear what he has to say.” smirked Bard, leaning back in his chair. Everyone turned to stare at Fíli expectantly. 

“Well,” he began, diplomatically “I think it’s obvious by this point that I do, indeed, love Sigrid and she loves me. So, in that sense nothing is going to change. No matter what the result. I think, that that information is between us and only us, however” he continued, raising a hand to silence another shouting match before it began “I know that your family are the kind who worry about one another and who have spent a long time living in each other’s pocket’s, same as mine. It can be hard to see what is and isn’t private when you’re always so heavily involved with each other’s lives. I think deep down everyone here agrees that this case is not something to break all bonds over, however it is clearly something you all care about, because you care about one another.” he reached out to take Sigrid’s hand “I think that, on the whole, all damage is done now. Mr Bowman, er, that is to say, Bard,  _ has _ over stepped existing boundaries by going into a cupboard that was set aside as Sigrid’s own personal space. That was wrong of him.” he gave Bard a quelling stare which greatly impressed Thranduil, “But what’s done is done and can’t be undone, so to speak. So, I guess, on the whole, I agree with Thranduil, and” Fíli’s turned to him with a smile, “you should take relish in that because if Uncle finds out I will be permanently disowned.” 

Sigrid sighed and rested her head against Fíli’s shoulder “This is what I get for falling for a future politician, isn’t it? Reason and logic and all that diplomatic stuff.”

“Less to do with the politics degree and more to do with my own family.” chuckled Fíli “You’ve met them, it was learn diplomacy or continue to let things get sorted out through shouting and shoot-outs.”

“Shoot Outs?” asked Tilda, sitting forward “Like, with guns and arrows?”

“No, well, once but that was when we were on the farm,” explained Fíli “Back at Granny’s we’ve got a football net in the garden. You take turns in goal, and it’s best of 5. The winner is officially proven right. Frerin’s still sore about his loss to Mum in ‘93, which erm, was over a similar scenario…” he coughed awkwardly. “but, enough of that. This is 2016.” 

“Moving on from that charming story then.” said Thranduil, looking back at his boyfriend who seemed a lot more relaxed than he had at the start, logical reasoning and a half a glass of wine having done wonders to his mood “I suggest that we all hold out till the day after tomorrow. Sigrid, if you  _ are _ pregnant, how far along would you be?”

“About three months?” she bit her lip, “I just sort of assumed I wasn’t getting my period for, erm, normal reasons… and that could still be the case!” she added hastily “This isn’t a certain and it shouldn’t matter what the–”

“Yes yes darling that’s been established.” said Thranduil waving away her words “For now, I suggest we just agree that no matter what happens, we all support Sigrid and Fíli. And there will be no shot-gun weddings.” he said firmly, turning to Bard “I know where you keep your arrows and I will take my saber to them if you get any ideas.” 

Bard gave out a huff of laughter “I promise. I won’t hurt anyone based off of the results of the test. I just.” he leant forward to grasp his daughter’s hand “Sigrid I’m sorry for going into your cupboard, and I’m sorry for getting so upset over this. You’re correct, I’ve got no right to be so. I just, I just worry about you.”

“I’m an adult Da. You need to let me make mistakes and be okay with that, no matter how big and just, please trust me to be able to deal with them?”

“This is potentially a very big mistake.” smiled Bard, the fight gone out of him now 

“And it could potentially also be the happiest mistake of my life.” 

“Well this has gone from exasperating to charming very quickly hasn’t it?” smirked Thranduil “I suggest we put the children to bed and then head there ourselves. Big Day tomorrow and all that. Fíli, I invite you to stay but please be aware when sharing a bed with our Sigrid, of just how this whole debacle started.”

“Says the man who wouldn’t buy his own condoms.” rebutted Fíli and Thranduil bowed to concede the point. It wasn’t as though he  _ refused _ to buy them, it was just that Bard was usually the one to take care of that side of things. Thranduil supplied the lube, Bard the rubbers. Teamwork!

Bard smiled good naturedly up at his boyfriend “You know you can’t just invite people to stay over, this isn’t actually your house Thranduil.” 

“Might as well be.” replied Thranduil  flipping his hair behind him.

Bard laughed and stood up to stretch his back and pull Thranduil in for a quick kiss. Bain and Tilda gave out joint noises of disgust at the Display of Public Affection and turned to see Fíli and Sigrid sharing their own moment. The siblings grimaced at one another, stuck as they were between such horrifying sights. 

“Do you think I’ll wake up from this and it’ll all have been a dream?” asked  Tilda “Because I think I know way more about Da and Sig’s sex lives than I ever want to know like, ever.”

“Me too, Tilly, me too.” sighed her brother “But hey, like we’d be lucky enough to get a  _ normal _ family.” 

As happens with these things, the results came in and another family meeting was called. Things had cooled off over the last couple of days, and when Sigrid announced that yes, it turns out the pregnancy test was  _ wrong _ and that she  _ was _ actually pregnant… well, it was met with a lot more calm and collected decision making than it might have been otherwise. 

Options were discussed maturely and in detail, with the ultimate decision going to Sigrid, who, despite his constants assurances that it wasn’t necessary, would only agree on anything that Fíli agreed on. 

The Splodge, as it was affectionately known, had ended up being present at many meeting since then. Kicking their approval and disapproval over discussions about flat prices, transport links and Stay-At-Home-Dads Vs Stay-At-Home-Mums (Splodge’s decision had been very clear on that one– Fíli would be the one to stay put and Sigrid the one to continue to pursue her nursing career.)

Seven Months later and Splodge was finally physically present for her first Family Meeting, though these days she went by Kenny, and so it was with quite some enthusiastic babbling and gurgling, that Kendra Bowman gave her approval for a long anticipated wedding. 

After all, family meetings were the Bread and Butter of the soon to be Bowman-Orophian Household.  


End file.
